The Monday Roast: NFL Officials

1. T..t...t...t...today Junior!
2. Lock it up.
3. There's a reason you're the only officials to address the crowd.
4. Or maybe more than one reason.
5. Failed NBA ref.  Couldn't get his tip-offs right.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Other Drivers

1.  If you park a half car's length away from what's in front of and behind you then no one else can park in that area and that's ideal.

2.  Did you know cars were built so that the harder and longer you push on the horn the dumber you look?

3.  Just because you put your hazards on, doesn't make you any less of an annoyance.

4.  Your. Right. Blinker. Is. On.

5.  Welcome to the four-way stop.  It's standard to check left-right-left-right eight times because many vehicles can go 0-60 in less than one second.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Holiday Season

1.  Happy Holidays?  Get real, it's Chirstmas time.

2.  You can spin your dreidel all you want but you know everyone wants to deck the halls.

3.  You want a lamp that never burns out; or a jolly old man, who climbs down your chimney at night and fills your socks with candy?  I like lamp.

4.  I'm dreaming of my radio station coming back, not a white $%@! Christmas.

5.  After age 16 it's an order form, not a wish list.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Standard Sized Stalls

1. If I wanted to be more uncomfortable, I'd have gone to a port-a-john.  Or a 747.
2. Yup, obtaining TP with my knee is the most efficient way.
3. You could probably put the toilet bowl a little lower, ya know, so I could get an even deeper squat.  Better workout.
4. The exact place I'd like to become aware of my flexible deficiencies.
5. Larry David, ladies and gentlemen.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: NCAA

1. You could only be shadier if you were elected to office (albeit John Edwards is nuts).
2. The most amateur thing you've got going is your investigation process.
3. I'd be pissed if Cam Newton's dad made more money than me, too.  Wait, he does
4. No stone unturned. Muahahaha!!!!!.
5. Athletic Scholarship: $40,000.  Director of Fiesta Bowl Salary: $600k.

Boom, Roasted.

The Monday Roast: Jerry Jones

1.  You've had so much BOTOX you look like an elderly mannequin.

2.  You dubbed the Cowboys "America's Team" and the biggest celebrity fan you've ever had is Jessica Simpson.

3.  If you thought SB 1070 was bad for retail sales, wait until you see what 1-15 will do.

4.  Jon Kitna wasn't even born the the only time a 1-6 team made the playoffs, and your team is 1-7.   

5.  Not even you could build a TV screen big enough to document your ego and bad football decisions.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: 3D Movies

1.  A third dimension has as good a chance of fixing a script as it does getting a Ben Affleck movie out of Boston.

2.  Everyone on their way to see Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, and Justin Bieber in 3D would have seen it in 2D.

3.  If three dimensions brings white people to crappy movies, maybe Tyler Perry ought to give it a try.

4.  Ten foot Alien humanoids flying on dragons may need a third dimension, but 30-40 year old men launching themselves across the screen in porta-potties do not (or maybe they do).

5.  3D Porn: now parents can look forward to catching their son with his pants off and goofy looking glasses on.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Mara Frisch

1. You may love Challah, but you were never Hala.
2. LULU: 44.21  UA: 47.25  NKE: 82.31
3. What percentage of your clientele go home and realize, "Wait, I probably shouldn't own form fitting pants?"
4. And your peer group.
5. No matter how hard you try, you're going to be a Jewish mother.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Cyclists' Excuses

1.  You sleep in a hyperbaric chamber and train in a wind tunnel but you "accidentally ingested an illegal substance?"  Boom, roasted.

2.  Everyone assumes you're on drugs anyway, so quit wasting our time.  Boom, roasted.

3.  Now you all will be synonymous with Floyd "The creepiest effing excuse maker ever" Landis.  Boom, roasted.

4.  Unless there is a one-nut American battling back from cancer and backed by a ubiquitous Nike marketing campaign, you're irrelevant.  Boom, roasted.

5.  There's more money in baseball and the powers-that-be care far less.  Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Convenience Charges

1.  Oxymoron.  Boom, roasted.

2.  If there's only one place to buy the ticket, it's not convenience, it's the price.  Boom, roasted.

3.  The sketchy dude around the corner doesn't have a convenience charge.  He's just an undercover cop.  boom, roasted.

4.  How do you get to call scalping convenient?  Boom, roasted.

5.  What's next?  A fee to bring my baggage on an airplane - wait a second.  Boom, roasted?

The Monday Roast: Michelle Wie

1. Too good for the LPGA, yet just two career wins? Boom, roasted.

2. The usual criteria for playing in a PGA event is winning. Boom, roasted.

3. Daddy issues. Boom, roasted.

4. Fail. Boom, roasted.

5. "I really don't know why Michelle continues to do this. We have a major this week and, if you can't qualify for a major, I don't see any reason why you should play with the men. --Annika Sorenstam (90 career wins). Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Pull Ups

1. There are 1000 machines at the gym invented to avoid you. Boom, roasted.
2. Unlike a slump buster, no one wants to do you. Boom, roasted.
3. Why would I do pull ups for free when I can pay a trainer $65/hr to tell me to? Boom, roasted.
4. Not everyone aspires to Cirque du Soleil. Boom, roasted.
5. This thing was invented. Boom, roasted.
   

The Monday Roast: That Pitcher From Sunday's Softball Game

1. Let go of the dream. There were no, and will never be, scouts at the freezing cold and overgrown Presidio field. Boom, roasted.
2. Mix in a salad. Boom, roasted.
3. Talking trash to girls - or anyone for that matter - at a coed beer league is always cool. Oh wait. No, it's not. Boom, roasted.
4. You're not even a has been. You're a never was. (And unlike Gordon Bombay, you will never lead an inner-city hockey team named "The Mighty Ducks" to any championships. Not even if you have Adam Banks). Boom, roasted.
5. Run to first. It'd be good for ya. Boom, roasted.
   

The Monday Roast: Adolf Hitler

1.  Lance only has one nut, but he chose to live strong not crazy.  Boom, roasted.

2.  No one will ever be comfortable around a German accent. Ever.  Boom, roasted.

3.  Napoleon complex.  Boom, roasted.

4.  You were so mean!   Boom, roasted.

5.  You just had to ruin a perfectly respectable facial hair piece for the rest of us.  Boom, roasted.

The Monday (Night) Roast: Protein Powder

1. Myo-Xplode-gene-andro-tek-muscle-rip-Juice. Translation = condensed milk in a colorful, oversized can. Boom, roasted.

2. You still shouldn't flex in the gym mirror. Boom, roasted.

3. Does it come with a tan and a V-neck? Boom, roasted.

4. If you can't pronounce it, don't drink - actually, drink up in that case. Boom, roasted.

5. Grrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuunnnnnnntttttt!!!!!! Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Ed Hardy

1.  I thought Lisa Frank already had the sparkly, colorful animal market cornered.  Boom, roasted.

2.  No matter how tan you are, dragons are not cool.  Boom, roasted.

3.  I don't know if I'd rather be stabbed by the unicorn on your shirt or your spiked hair.  Boom, roasted.

4.  What do the people who find the Ralph Lauren/Polo horse too big think of your coronated, three dimensional, psychedelic tiger?  Boom, roasted.

5.  How does it feel to have a $200 tee shirt to go with your $50 Von Dutch trucker hat?  Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: FBI: Female Body Inspector Shirts

1.  No, you don't.  Boom, roasted.

2.  Why don't you go ahead and tear the sleeves off too.  Boom, roasted.

3.  If you indeed have a significant other, buy her the matching "I'm with stupid" tee.  Boom, roasted.

4.  Unfortunately, there is not a governmental agency abbreviated ITD so you can have the more appropriate shirt: "I'm a Total Douche."  Boom, roasted.

5.  And now we know you've been to Vegas and/or Cabo.  Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Unnecessary Stupid Abbreviations

1. So you're saying you actually heard someone say "tots," "obvi," "whatevs," "B-T-Dubs," or "ridic" out loud and thought it was a good idea? Boom, roasted.

2. Do you spend so much time texting that it makes you uncomfortable to speak to your friends in full words and phrases, or are you just devolving? Boom, roasted.

3. Would you like greek letters, uggs, and artificial sisterhood with those "tots"? "Obvi." Boom, roasted.

4. Did you just compulsively say that, or did you take the time to consider how to make a simple word sound moronic before saying it? Either way: Boom, roasted.

5. Remember when it was cool to sound stupid when you spoke? Me neither. Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Perennial Bubble Teams

1. Don't lose to Middle-Tennessee Tech State. Boom, roasted.

2. At home. Boom, roasted.

3. This isn't little league, not everyone gets to play. Boom, roasted.

4. Take the pacifier out and don't you dare mention expansion. Boom, roasted.

5. You weren't going to get to the second weekend anyway. Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Kevin Smith

1. You pay for your lifestyle as a loser slacker from Jersey who has never grown up by making movies about loser slackers from Jersey who never grow up. Boom, roasted.

2. You deny being a hack despite having made a movie for ten bucks (Clerks), and then making your money by referring to Clerks in subsequent movies and charging people to hear you talk about it. Boom, roasted.

3. Putting the same skinny junkie and fat mute in all your movies does not make you a movie a genius it makes you a comic book obsessed nerd. Boom, roasted.

4. You were kicked off a plane for being too fat. Boom, roasted.

5. Jersey Girl. Boom, roasted.