Homer's Preview the Pac-10 (for the last time ever)

Fear not, it's not the last time we'll ever talk about sports on the West Coast. Quite the contrary. This season marks the end of the Pacific 10 Conference as a pack of 10. 

The question heading into this season for the Pac-10 is whether the conference as a whole can get any worse.  Conventional wisdom suggests there is nowhere else to go from last season but up.  We'll see, but one thing is for sure, even though Oregon State is atop the conference today, they won't be at season's end.

Arizona:

So what's going on in Tucson?  Derrick Williams is no longer a secret; he was freshman player-of-the-year and is projected as a high first round draft pick.  Even with teams focusing all their defensive schemes on Williams, he is still a lock to lead the team in points and rebounds.  After that is anyone's guess--though not for lack of options.  Sean Miller runs 10 or more players out on the court every game with nearly every player not named Derrick splitting minutes at their respective positions.  However, no one besides Derrick seems poised to step up consistently.  There have been flashes of good play from Solomon Hill, Kevin Parrom, and even MoMo Jones, but each of those players enjoy disappearing acts just as frequently.  The team also lacks consistency at the point which has provided for some serious shooting woes at times--especially against 2-3 zones.  That being said, the team is far more consistent this year than last, especially on defense.  As a result Arizona wins most of the games it should and may find a top three finish in the Pac-10 and a return to the NCAA Tournament.  Until then, the recipe for success is: don't play Jimmer Fredette, and don't play against a 2-3 zone.

arizona state:

Have you ever been somewhere and thought: "that just doesn't belong there."  You know, like a golf course in the middle of the desert; a baby in a bar; or Sean Hannity at at an Obama rally.  The same holds true for basketball at ASU.  You see it and think, "that just doesn't make sense."  ASU basketball is, and always will be, mired in mediocrity.  A glass ceiling will hang perpetually over the success of that program.  Sure they have the reigning coach of the year in Herb Sendek, but the Pac-10 was so bad last year he won by default.  Besides, anyone that can coax 10+ wins out of an ASU basketball team deserves some recognition.  We'll see what the ol' Herbivore can cook up this year without his boy toy Derek Glasser.  So far the Scummies have managed to lose every game that posed a marginal challenge.  In short, don't look for this year to be the year the JV team in Arizona manages to make a Sweet 16 (or the tournament).

California:

While we need to examine Romar’s ability to coach vs. recruit, the opposite can be said for Mr. Montgomery.  This guy is a helluva coach.  No one has ever questioned that.  He won at Stanford and he won a lot.  He was winning with inferior recruiting abilities, limited by academic standards (the reason Jim Harbough should have been national coach of the football year).  But there’s just no talent on this Cal team.  When your starting point guard is Jorge Gutierrez your team is going to struggle.  The dude is a great glue guy, solid energy off the bench, and a thorn in any opponent’s side.  He’s  just not a starting guard.  Harper Kamp is a nice player but that’s about where it stops.  I loved last year’s team.  But this team has been gutted.  Monty is going to need some help beyond being Monty.  He needs some talent and that’s going to be his problem to solve. 

Oregon:

Dana Altman huddled his players up and said, "Listen, we're getting a new arena this year, so you've got one shining moment guaranteed this season."  That moment will surely shine--Uncle Phil would not have it any other way.  However, Uncle Phil can't do anything about the talent on the floor (directly)--which is lacking.  In his first season Altman will weather the storm of transfers and lack of recruits.  Fifth year senior Joevan Catron is averaging upwards of 17 points a game this season, but it gets ugly after that.  Maybe Oregon finds lightning in a bottle and surprises someone once or twice this season.  Other than that, the story in Eugene is a new basketball arena and the football team that plays down the street.  Also, lets take a moment of silence to remember the late, great, McArthur Court.

Oregon State:

Okay, so Craig Robinson is President Obama's brother in law.  President Obama even came to watch the Beavers lose to George Washington in DC.  However, Craig has had as much early season success as his brother in law did in the midterm elections.  Craig guided his Beavers to losses against Seattle, Texas Southern, Utah Valley, and Montana.  After a promising start to his tenure in Corvallis, Craig Robinson's teams have shown very little improvement, and Oregon State's resume of losses this season tend to indicate disappointment with Mr. Robinson.  He will need to turn things around during Pac-10 play otherwise his seat will become increasingly hot.  That said, no one enjoys a trip to Gill Collesium in Corvallis and that will not change anytime soon.

UCLA:

On paper, this is a good team.  In reality, it’s just good television.  Let’s talk dysfunctional.  Evidently Ben Howland has alienated all sorts of recruiting ties and hasn’t developed a talent since Darren Collison (but even he plateaued).  Tyler Honeycutt is as good as any player in the Pac but Howland can’t get anything out of him.  He went off against Kansas but why wouldn’t he?  Oh sweet external motivators.  At a certain point you need to take a look and realize the power is in the player’s court, Howland needs to get out of his own way and figure out how to win again.  The talent is there – Josh Smith, Reeves Nelson, Malcolm Lee – but grind-it-out ball doesn’t work with elite talent anymore.  Because of that talent, the Bruins are going to win some ball games, but I ask the question: is there a clock ticking on Big Ben?

USC:

He was chastised at Arizona and became the fall guy.   But the fact of the matter is that Kevin O’Neil can draw the toughness out of players.  For goodness sake he has a Euro, Nikola Vucevic, grabbing rebounds at a 9.6 per game clip.  The sanctioned heavy Trojans tout an aggressive frontline which can cause some fits for the smaller, softer Pac.  Alex Stephensen is heavy and the aforementioned Vucevic are going to win the Trojans some games.  Conversely, it’s still O’Neil ball and they’re going to no-offense themselves out of some games and lose when they shouldn’t (TCU, Bradley, Rider).  I believe the Trojan x-factor (not ribbing or flavoring) is Jio Fontan.  The touted freshman transfer will give the Trojans a backcourt scoring option, keeping teams honest and not collapsing into the paint.  Look, big things aren’t going to come out of Watts this season, but they could just leave you stunned on a couple of Thursdays or Saturdays.

Stanford:

Can a Stanford team be any good if not stocked with a pair of seven foot tall twins?  For the better part of a decade no one had to answer that question.  Alas, this Johnny Dawkins Stanford team doesn't have one seven footer on the roster, and early indications are that no one on the roster has a brother who is seven feet tall either.  However, in true to Stanford tradition, this team does have a shooter; Jeremy Green is shooting better than 46% from behind the arc.  After that, the roster is chalk full of freshman who have yet to establish themselves.  Stanford might have some success fending off a couple teams to stay out of the cellar, but don't count on much more.  This team is still a few more years away, and there is no guarantee they won't still be a few more years away in a few more years.

Washington:

I like this program.  Romar appears to be a classy guy and runs a good show.  But at what point do we call a recruiter a recruiter and a coach a coach?  He’s planted in a hot bed of hoops – it’s still a tragedy Seattle was raped of its NBA franchise – and UW consistently scoops up this talent subsequently garnering early paper-praise.  But then why don’t these teams produce?  Why are they just above competitive each year?  As for this dance, the Dawgs had pre-season rankings as high as 8^th in the country.  This has since evaporated and the Huskies find themselves heading into Pac-10 play unranked.  To be fair, they’ve lost to some good teams (Kentucky, MSU), but they still don’t seem to win the tough one.  It is encouraging to see the emergence of Matthew Bryan-Ammaning and the scoring of Justin Holiday more than double, but the team that is supposed to run away with the Pac-10 may be indicative of just how far this league has fallen.

Washington State:

Sleeper alert.  The Cougars and their Ichabod Crane looking coach, Ken Bone, have a sneaky good squad.  Reggie Moore and Klay Thomson highlight things but that’s just the surface.  Look a little further down the lineup and you’ll see a more-than-formidable big man in  DeAngelo Casto and the early front runner for Pac-10 Newcomer-of-the-Year, Faisal Aden.   Aden, a JC transfer, is scoring a cool 17 per and has helped lead the Cougs to their solid start despite missing Moore for five games.  This is a balanced attack as they can score from all three guard spots and via Casto underneath.  Thompson makes for matchup issues as his ability to shoot is the equalizer of equalizers.  I still think he’s a bit soft but the addition of Aden changes things.  Ultimately, I see the Pullman gang competing down the stretch for the Pac-10 title.  Yes, the league’s title.   

The Monday Roast: Automated Messages

1.  Anything that can be programmed into an automated message can be written on a website.

2.  I shouldn't have to enter the last four digits of my social; say my address; and enter the name of my favorite pet; my date of birth; and mother's maiden name before I'm given the privilege of talking to a human being.

3.  If you spend five minutes answering questions from a robot, you shouldn't be put on hold for fifteen minutes more before answering the same questions from a person.

4.  Must you really put an automated message in my way when your contact information is only discoverable by following an inconspicuous link, to an obscure web page, where your number can only be found in a drop down menu labeled "More Information"?

5.  I would rather talk to Nadir from Mumbai.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Jerry Jones

1.  You've had so much BOTOX you look like an elderly mannequin.

2.  You dubbed the Cowboys "America's Team" and the biggest celebrity fan you've ever had is Jessica Simpson.

3.  If you thought SB 1070 was bad for retail sales, wait until you see what 1-15 will do.

4.  Jon Kitna wasn't even born the the only time a 1-6 team made the playoffs, and your team is 1-7.   

5.  Not even you could build a TV screen big enough to document your ego and bad football decisions.

Boom, roasted.

In Tim McCarver's Words: Game Four

No one could have predicted that a rookie named Madison from Lenoir, North Carolina would be pitching in a pivotal World Series game.  Of course, who was to know that this spring Buster Posey and Bengie Molina who were together, would be apart in the World Series.  But in a post season few could have predicted such scenarios seemed fitting for an unseasonably warm Halloween night.

The night began with two Georges; two former presidents; a father; and a son throwing out the first pitch.  Although that may seem like a lot of people, it really isn't because the former presidents were also the father and son and both were named George--President George H. Bush, and President George W. Bush.  So you see, it was actually just two men throwing out the first pitch in Arlington on this Halloween night.

The night ended in the Rangers being shutout for the second night in a row.  You might wonder why I mention that it was the second shut out in a row.  The reason I mention that is because there had not been consecutive shutouts in the World Series since 1966, when the Baltimore Orioles swept the Los Angeles Dodgers.  That may not seem significant to some, but in baseball years 1966 is a long time ago.

Clearly the Rangers are not hitting well this series, but the reason the Rangers aren't hitting is because the Giants are pitching.  You see, although the Rangers are only hitting .172 in the World Series, that also means the Giants' are only allowing opponents to hit .172 in the World Series as well.  Obviously that is not just a coincidence.

I think if you asked Ron Washington whether this was a must win game, which I have, he probably would say yes.  Unfortunately for Ron, and the Rangers, it was the Giants' Madison Bumgarner becoming the first rookie pitcher to record a win in the world series since the great Latin American pitcher named Fernando.

The Monday Roast: 3D Movies

1.  A third dimension has as good a chance of fixing a script as it does getting a Ben Affleck movie out of Boston.

2.  Everyone on their way to see Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, and Justin Bieber in 3D would have seen it in 2D.

3.  If three dimensions brings white people to crappy movies, maybe Tyler Perry ought to give it a try.

4.  Ten foot Alien humanoids flying on dragons may need a third dimension, but 30-40 year old men launching themselves across the screen in porta-potties do not (or maybe they do).

5.  3D Porn: now parents can look forward to catching their son with his pants off and goofy looking glasses on.

Boom, roasted.

In Tim McCarver's Words: Game One

Due to Tim McCarver's unique ability to unintelligibly deliver useless information about baseball he was hired by Fox as a sportscaster in 1996 to cover marquee baseball games, the playoffs and the World Series.  In a tribute to Tim's ability, the Homers will be recapping each game of the 2010 World Series in Tim McCarver's words. 



The game began with Elvis.  The reason I say that is because Elvis was the lead off batter for the Texas Rangers.  The Rangers were the visiting team so they bat first.  Interestingly, this was the first Elvis to ever play in the World Series, but it wasn't Elvis Aaron, it was Elvis Agosto, not from Tupelo but from Maracay--Venezuela.  The game ended with Brian Wilson, but it wasn't a beach boy it was a pirate with a gnarled, intimidating black beard.

The game figured to be a classic pitching duel between Cliff Lee and Tim Lincecum.  The reason I say that is because Cliff Lee is a very, very good pitcher who chews up bats with his slider--like Mariano Rivera, one of the great bat breakers in the history of the game.  Also, Tim Lincecum is also a very, very good pitcher who is known for his unusual, uncomfortable looking pitching style.  Though he is known for his fastball, he also has a great change up, though change ups are much better for Lincecum when they go down.  So you can see why most people would have thought this was going to be a low scoring game dominated by pitching.

However, it was not.  This game was more about hitting and very alert at bats.  The Giants offense exploded for 11 runs--7 of them coming off the previously undefeatable Cliff Lee.  Freddy Sanchez led the way with 4 hits and 3 doubles, which interestingly, was exactly 3 times as many doubles as Cliff Lee had in the game.  I was reminded of the great Puerto Rican, Roberto Clemente.  The reason I say that is because Roberto Clemente wore the number 21 and so does Freddy Sanchez.  But unlike Roberto Clemente, Freddy Sanchez's number is retired at Burbank High School.  If you ask Freddy, which I have, he is very proud of that because of all the movie stars that went to Burbank High.

If you asked the Rangers if they thought seven runs would be enough to get a victory behind Cliff Lee, I think they probably would have said yes.  But tonight they needed more great ABs by Josh, the great power hitter from Texas who has a 10 point buck mounted over his locker. Or maybe the Rangers needed more big hits by Vladimir, whose very long, strong arms allow him to be one of the great bad ball contact hitters of all time.  
In the end, the Giants prevailed because they scored more runs than the Rangers.  Luckily for the Rangers the World Series is not about cumulative runs and they will have a clean slate tonight when they face Matt Cain--the big boy from Alabama with the rocket arm and dancing slider.    

Monday Roast: Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg

1.  You wouldn't storm out of your own house because your guest offended you at a dinner party.

 2.  Bill O'Reilly might yell louder than both of you combined, but he would never walk out of the No Spin Zone.

3.  You're like the kids that threw rocks at the tiger and were surprised when he lept up at you.

4.  So much for your signed copy of "Pinheads and Patriots."

5.  If I order a hooker to my room, and she gets naked, would I storm out?

Booom, roasted.

An Open Letter to San Diego

Dear San Diego,

Your weather is sublime and everyone knows it.  Every morning I hear the weather report: "Cloudy in the morning, giving way to sunshine by midday, high in the mid seventies."  Sometimes it's a bit cooler, maybe a little warmer, and sometimes it stays cloudy; but no one actively checks the weather because it's the same every day: mostly nice, and awesome at times.

San Diego, your citizens take great pride in their weather.  No one swims when the water is cold, no one goes to the beach if it's not a perfect beach day.  And why would they?  After all, the water will probably be warmer tomorrow, and tomorrow will probably be a perfect beach day.  There is no need for one to make themselves uncomfortable on account of less than perfect weather, because perfect weather is always just around the corner.  No wonder you are one of the most desirable places to live.

But San Diego, your citizens truly flip out when the weather changes--even if just for a day. 

Yesterday you were hot.  To be fair, you were not just hot relative to your norm.  You were truly fry an egg on the sidewalk, melt in your car, 100 degrees, desert hot.  This was cause for alarm among your citizens.    People treated your temperature like the End of Days--they didn't even want to leave the office for lunch if it meant leaving the safe harbor of air conditioning.  This was the day to end all days:

"You remember that day back in 2010 when it was hot?"

"Boy do I!  I was sweating when I was outside, even though I was wearing shorts!"

"I know, I went for a swim, even though the water was only 65 degrees!"

I'm not surprised San Diego.  You treat your citizens to the most temperate weather in all the land and they expect nothing less.  They are not impressed with a partly sunny 80 degree day--in fact that may be too hot.  They care not for a mostly sunny 68 degree day--nothing special.  But you crank the heat one one day out of three-hundred-and-sixty-five and your citizens are appalled; and when it rains... "OH THE HUMANITY!"

But I understand.  If you never consider the weather a cause for discomfort, or even mild annoyance, then a 100 degree day will blow your mind farther than some Maui Wowi.  But what I don't understand is that today--when the temperature returned to a balmy 78 degrees--your citizens weren't  happy or thankful, they were placated. 

No hard feelings San Diegans, but given that your winter sport is surfing, and the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" signs don't apply to you, complaints about just one uncomfortably hot day might fall on deaf ears.  I enjoy your weather as much as the next, but I spent the last seven years of my life in places where the first nice sunny day in spring is cause for celebration and impromptu "sick days."  Moreover, I grew up in the desert where 100-degree days are what's going on during the summer.  So get over it, it's not that bad.

My advice would would be to take the next 100-degree day to give thanks for the fact that it's just one day, and remember tomorrow the weather will be mostly nice, and awesome at times.

Sincerely,

B.H. Homer

The Monday Roast: Smart Cars

1.  Why would I buy half a car for the price of one?  Boom, roasted.

2.  If you drive your Porsche to work and drive your smart car to buy groceries then you're not making a difference.  Boom, roasted.

3.  Global warming sucks, but so does being hit by a truck while you're driving your golf cart.  Boom, roasted.

4.  Maybe if flowers and trees came out of the exhaust pipe--like the Prius--your sales would be better.  Boom, roasted.

5.  Since when is driving a shoe box smart?  Boom, roasted.

Arizona/Iowa: A Big Game for Program, Town and Team

Let's get one thing straight: by the end of the year Saturday's game doesn't figure to significantly impact season goals for this Wildcat football team.  There are two goals for this team: 1) Win the Pac-10 2) Beat ASU--Saturday will not come to bear on either goal.  However, make no mistake: Saturday's showdown with Iowa is a BIG effing game.

Any time you welcome a top ten team into your house it's a big game, but this game has added importance for Arizona.  These type of games build programs, buoy recruiting, and make money.  ESPN is in the house.  The students are in town.  The old stadium will be sold out, and even apathetic Tucson football fans have pulled their heads out of the sand to take a look.  The electricity in the air is palpable, but excitement among Wildcat fans is still gently guarded by years of "almost" and "not quite enough."  A win tomorrow and fans will let their guards down, fasten their bandwagon seat belts, cross their fingers, and think Pasadena.

Can't you just imagine the scene already?

The UA Mall will be jammed full of alumni, students, and Tucsonans all decked out in red, hours before the game.  Strangers on University Ave will be high fivin' and screaming bear down.  Old college friends will fly into town to rendezvous at their old stomping grounds and revel in the on campus fervor.   The student section will be shaking the entire eastern side of the stadium with red pom poms.  Prominent former basketball players and football players will be on the field (Channing Frye, Damon Stoudamire, and Joe McLean are in town--I bet that list grows).  People are going to turn out in droves to celebrate Arizona.

So will Arizona seize the moment?

If they do, the excitement surrounding the football program as it enters Pac-10 play will be as high as it's ever been.  Tucson will become a hostile place to play for reasons besides heat this season.  TV listings for UA games will say ABC instead of TBA.  Arizona basketball recruiting target Josiah Turner and recruiting commit Nick Johnson--visiting this weekend--will see a party that most 18-year-olds can't even dream about.  But a victory will have an impact that will ripple far beyond this season and this football team.

A victory will make a statement about how far this program has come under Mike Stoops and where it is going. This game is an opportunity for Arizona to position itself in the national conversation which hasn't happened in over a decade.  This game is a chance for a program, not just a team, to make some serious noise--so let's hear it!

The stage is set, the actors are cast, the battle lines are drawn, and the kegs are cold...

...the only thing left to do is BEAR DOWN and beat the Hawkeyes!

Just remember, stay off the field until the game is actually over.

PS: Click the Damon Stoudamire link, seriously.

Who do you LOVE more: Alexander Graham Bell or Thomas Edison

Bell

We love poking fun at all sorts of people; we love writing The Monday Roast; and we have no problem expressing disdain for various sports and public figures.  However, we don't just want to be haters, so we want to spread a little love through another poll.

Edison

We want to know which "do gooder" you all LOVE more: Alexander Graham Bell or Thomas Edison?

Cast your vote on the poll to the right, and leave your comments below.

The Monday Roast: 5-Hour Energy

1.  Do you know what 2:30 in the afternoon feels like?  Yes, and now I know what 3 in the morning feels like too.  Boom, roasted.

2.  I've asked someone if they want to get coffee, but asking someone to get five hour energy feels like a drug deal.  Boom, roasted.

3.  If 5 hour energy turns me into a perky-gelled-hair-uber-douche that floats around the office, points at everyone who yawns, and tells them they should have had 5-Hour Energy, then I would rather be tired.  Boom, roasted.

4.  This drink is perfect for anyone who wants to sprint up a mountain, mountain bike, play professional football or deliver interoffice mail. Boom, roasted.

5.  You offer a shot of mystery liquid with a protective plastic seal as a healthy alternative to a delicious beverage I can make at home with beans and water.  Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Michelle Wie

1. Too good for the LPGA, yet just two career wins? Boom, roasted.

2. The usual criteria for playing in a PGA event is winning. Boom, roasted.

3. Daddy issues. Boom, roasted.

4. Fail. Boom, roasted.

5. "I really don't know why Michelle continues to do this. We have a major this week and, if you can't qualify for a major, I don't see any reason why you should play with the men. --Annika Sorenstam (90 career wins). Boom, roasted.

I Dare You Not to Dance

The Monday Roast: Pull Ups

1. There are 1000 machines at the gym invented to avoid you. Boom, roasted.
2. Unlike a slump buster, no one wants to do you. Boom, roasted.
3. Why would I do pull ups for free when I can pay a trainer $65/hr to tell me to? Boom, roasted.
4. Not everyone aspires to Cirque du Soleil. Boom, roasted.
5. This thing was invented. Boom, roasted.
   

Outside Lands was Experienced and Phoenix the Band is Better than the City. Exponentially.

Just awhile back I was reading an article in the New York Times (be impressed). The premise of said article was that money might not buy you happiness but in some cases it can lead to happiness. You see, according to a study, most people are not fulfilled when spending on material goods. Those who spend on experiences are far happier.

And I could not be happier to be out $150 for Outside Lands 2010.

The WC loyalists will say, “But Adam, you already went to Coachella and wrote about that.” Indeed, I did. But what other forum could I use to convey the faux-hipster movement away from fedoras to canes? Yes, canes, as in: upright assistance. I swear there was an abundance of able-bodied cane enthusiasts at the two-day festival. I have no explanation.

Day one was filled with groups I didn’t really know, fog, cold, and disappointment. I didn’t really know My Morning Jacket or Gogol Bordeaux and each was impressive. Gogol erupted on stage and I couldn’t tell if they were singing in Spanish or eastern European but it didn’t matter. My Morning Jacket was good. Took the stage and put on a rock show that became a bit redundant but entertaining.

The cold and the fog were chilly and wet. Bothersome.

Disappointment came with Wolfmother and The Strokes. Both put on just mediocre shows and I’d venture to request that Strokes front man, Julian Casablancas, never address a crowd again. Great voice. Terrible commentary.

For day one I only knew three songs across five performances. But day two featured Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, Phoenix, and Kings of Leon. Toss in slight familiarity with Amos Lee and The Temper Trap and I knew day two would be good.

Then MD thought the back pocket of my jeans would be a good place to keep a flask of vodka and I then knew day two would be epic!

Amos Lee was a surprisingly fun singer and was exactly what the sun needed to be coaxed out. The Temper Trap followed with a good show but was really just whetting my desire to hear Edward Sharpe followed by Phoenix. Ultimately, everyone would know that I enjoyed the Phoenix show.

Edward Sharpe's performance consists of ten hippies running around on stage and was nothing short of amazing. Folksy hippie music can’t always get people up to party. Edward Sharpe can.

Allow me to preface my Phoenix performance review with the fact that I really like this band. I haven’t taken them off my iPod Shuffle for some ten months and I frequent Phoenix radio on Pandora. That said, let’s briefly rehash my Coachella thoughts on Phoenix:

Phoenix put on a fair show but left much to the imagination.

They might as well have popped their CD in and danced on stage

So when you’re three-quarters through a two-day concert and you’ve known maybe a dozen songs and then a band plays a 75-minute set you know all the words to and you’re a few flasks-n-pints deep, let me tell you: Phoenix fucking rocks. They played a great set and I haven’t been able to get enough of their song “Rome” since Sunday.

I am told Kings of Leon closed the festival.

So back to the Times article. It was the experience that mattered, not necessarily the music, venue or liquor. And experiences – as we learned from the martyred Chris McCandless – are best when shared. So thanks and great work to:

· MD – photographer extraordinaire, but please do not share

· SC – sorry for the Franzia fiasco, if I could have chosen who to shower, it would not have been you. AJT? Kidding. LC, fo sho.

· LC – someday you’ll hear a song you know

· AJT – when missing JAOLL assume the fetal position and wait

· AM – I wish your favorite song from the weekend had been from the show

· RM – Ed Sharpe > Al Green

· PS – tardy, but good to see you

· CHFOLL – sigh

· Phoenix – I heart you

Then it was over and our crew parted ways; biking, stumbling, or walking home. Monday morning was tough, but we endure and we go back to the proverbial grind so that we can pay for some more experiences.

The Monday Roast: Lacrosse

1.  Do you have a waivy, floppy mullet because you play lacrosse or do you play lacrosse because you have a waivy, floppy mullet?  Boom, roasted.

2.  Try holding your college championship outside of Baltimore (or anywhere west of New England) and see if anyone shows up.  Boom, roasted.

3.  I guess rich, white, country club, suburban parents couldn't get playing time for their kids in a regular sport, so they opted to create a sport just for rich, white, country club suburban kids.  Boom, roasted.

4.  The most famous lacrosse player of all time: Steve Stifler.  Boom, roasted.

5.  The popularity of your sport was buoyed by a rape scandal. Boom, roasted.

A Stranger on the Beach

I was laying on the beach on a Tuesday afternoon during a San Diego summer.  Since Wednesday I had finished the bar exam; moved out of an apartment; and spent a weekend in San Francisco.  Now I was laying on a beach in Cardiff-by-the-Sea and my earthly belongings (of which there are few) were scattered about Eugene and Portland Oregon.  I was a man without a home and a stranger on the beach.

I lay shirtless with my feet in the sand and a fruity sheen of Coppertone glistening on my chest.  My Oregon whiteness was surely glaring among the bleach white hair, leather brown skin, and blue water.  Out in the ocean I watched a mess of blue surf boards and kids of all ages and sizes thrashing about in the water.  Some were catching waves, others were bobbing, others were flying happily into the water off their boards.

Mixed in among the fleet of identical blue surfboards were several adult size wet suits.  I soon realized these kids were members of the Eli Howard Surf School and the adult sized wet suits were their instructors.  The kids laughed in the sun.  Shouts from all over demonstrated unbridled excitement at the success of standing atop the water and coasting down the face of a gently curling wave.  They exuded pure summer.

I smiled as I recalled endless younger days of sports camps and sunscreen.  Growing up in the desert, the notion of spending my days surfing had never occurred to me.  However, here I was, 25 years old, in the middle of a weekday watching kids enjoying the greatest child hood pastime: summer.  Despite the purity of youthful joy all around me, I lay pondering what type of liability release forms the parents of these kids had signed.  I was a stranger on the beach.

I waded out into the water and looked back at the western coast of Southern California.  The water washed over my head.  The ocean has a way of making a man feel very small--rightfully so.  All I can do is keep my head above water and keep swimming; but there are no instructors, I can swim wherever I please.

Two Wheel Transporting and a Red Bridge

Well slap my ass and call me John Steinbeck I rode to Sausalito. Got on a bike and rode the rolling hills and grassed countryside the great American novelist so aptly versed us on: Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men, Travels With Charlie.

We left from home (San Fran’s notoriously cold and foggy inner Sunset) and crossed over the Golden Gate Bridge into a different universe. We left and it was July. We arrived in Sausalito – just across the bridge – and it was, well, July. But I mean real July. The sun was out and people were outside eating ice cream and throwing things. James – my riding partner – says that when you cross the bridge it’s like transporting to a different universe. Sausalito is Norman Rockwell. San Francisco is Hobo-ville. Transportation complete.

Our ultimate destination was Tiburon, a contrived albeit gorgeous and homey town with epic cross bay views of The City. James and I actually acquired directions from a man claiming to “live” in Tiburon. Bullshit. Clearly a hired actor. No one actually lives in places like that. Dreams don’t come true kids.

My apologies for that cynicism. Unhealthy.

Tiburon was unbelievably (yes, unbelievably) gorgeous. We refueled at one of the many delightful eating establishments, then carried on. As we were transporting back across the bridge, we were treated to a San Francisco treat: a bridge jumper.

Someone was attempting – or had – jumped from the world’s foremost jumping bridge. It was a surreal scene filled with traffic, cops, and a huge audience. Not to mention frightening wind, ghostly fog, and the moans and groans of the big red suspension bridge. Surreal indeed. Cold as shit, too.

All-in-all it was a 5 hour adventure covering 45+ miles and innumerable micro-climates. And to make this whole thing come full, Steinbeck circle, I maintain that I will attend and own any open audition for the role of Lenny.

Bring on the rabbits.

The Monday Roast: Budgets

1. Just like rules, you're made to be broken. Boom, roasted.
2. How serious can you be with a "miscellaneous" category? Boom, roasted.
3. I'm still going to buy the next round. Boom, roasted.
4. We have a "National Debt Clock." Boom, roasted.
5. If you're so helpful, why is it so easy to get a credit card then? Boom, roasted.