The Monday Roast: Other Drivers

1.  If you park a half car's length away from what's in front of and behind you then no one else can park in that area and that's ideal.

2.  Did you know cars were built so that the harder and longer you push on the horn the dumber you look?

3.  Just because you put your hazards on, doesn't make you any less of an annoyance.

4.  Your. Right. Blinker. Is. On.

5.  Welcome to the four-way stop.  It's standard to check left-right-left-right eight times because many vehicles can go 0-60 in less than one second.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Cyclists' Excuses

1.  You sleep in a hyperbaric chamber and train in a wind tunnel but you "accidentally ingested an illegal substance?"  Boom, roasted.

2.  Everyone assumes you're on drugs anyway, so quit wasting our time.  Boom, roasted.

3.  Now you all will be synonymous with Floyd "The creepiest effing excuse maker ever" Landis.  Boom, roasted.

4.  Unless there is a one-nut American battling back from cancer and backed by a ubiquitous Nike marketing campaign, you're irrelevant.  Boom, roasted.

5.  There's more money in baseball and the powers-that-be care far less.  Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Adolf Hitler

1.  Lance only has one nut, but he chose to live strong not crazy.  Boom, roasted.

2.  No one will ever be comfortable around a German accent. Ever.  Boom, roasted.

3.  Napoleon complex.  Boom, roasted.

4.  You were so mean!   Boom, roasted.

5.  You just had to ruin a perfectly respectable facial hair piece for the rest of us.  Boom, roasted.

The Monday (Night) Roast: Protein Powder

1. Myo-Xplode-gene-andro-tek-muscle-rip-Juice. Translation = condensed milk in a colorful, oversized can. Boom, roasted.

2. You still shouldn't flex in the gym mirror. Boom, roasted.

3. Does it come with a tan and a V-neck? Boom, roasted.

4. If you can't pronounce it, don't drink - actually, drink up in that case. Boom, roasted.

5. Grrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuunnnnnnntttttt!!!!!! Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: FBI: Female Body Inspector Shirts

1.  No, you don't.  Boom, roasted.

2.  Why don't you go ahead and tear the sleeves off too.  Boom, roasted.

3.  If you indeed have a significant other, buy her the matching "I'm with stupid" tee.  Boom, roasted.

4.  Unfortunately, there is not a governmental agency abbreviated ITD so you can have the more appropriate shirt: "I'm a Total Douche."  Boom, roasted.

5.  And now we know you've been to Vegas and/or Cabo.  Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Kevin Smith

1. You pay for your lifestyle as a loser slacker from Jersey who has never grown up by making movies about loser slackers from Jersey who never grow up. Boom, roasted.

2. You deny being a hack despite having made a movie for ten bucks (Clerks), and then making your money by referring to Clerks in subsequent movies and charging people to hear you talk about it. Boom, roasted.

3. Putting the same skinny junkie and fat mute in all your movies does not make you a movie a genius it makes you a comic book obsessed nerd. Boom, roasted.

4. You were kicked off a plane for being too fat. Boom, roasted.

5. Jersey Girl. Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: How it Works

We would like to introduce to you The Monday Roast.

What is the Monday Roast? The Monday Roast is an opportunity to get things off your chest. Does something bother you? Annoy you? Frustrate you? Do you need to get something off your chest? Vent? Can you compile five good humored, witty roasts on one of these frustrations?

If so, tell us about them. Give a brief synopsis of what it is and then roast it, five times. Example:

Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom Roasted

Yes, that was from The Office, “Stress Relief” episode when Michael Scott gets roasted and roasts everyone. This episode inspired the Monday Roast. Thus, each one-liner you provide must be followed with: boom roasted. (watch this)

So send them our way. Roast your boss, the Yankees, the guy in the V-neck drinking a purple martini, whatever gets your goat. Roast it and we’ll post it.

Email us your Roasts: wchomer84@gmail.com