Monday Roast: Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg

1.  You wouldn't storm out of your own house because your guest offended you at a dinner party.

 2.  Bill O'Reilly might yell louder than both of you combined, but he would never walk out of the No Spin Zone.

3.  You're like the kids that threw rocks at the tiger and were surprised when he lept up at you.

4.  So much for your signed copy of "Pinheads and Patriots."

5.  If I order a hooker to my room, and she gets naked, would I storm out?

Booom, roasted.

AB Gettin' Older

On the 26th anniversary of the birth of AB, here are 26 things you might want to know about him:

1.  In fifth grade, AB weighed the same as he does now (roughly).

2.  AB's father did not weigh 100 pounds until he was in college.

3.  The first time AB was inebriated he turned to BH and said, "[BH], I am intoxicated."

4.  AB was an accomplice to a severe assault on AB's younger brother's nipples.

5.  AB was once a Falcon stripper.

6.  AB spent an entire fall driving to Phoenix on Sundays before the sun came up.

7.  AB almost struck and killed a Cayolina.

8.  AB heard someone say, "I don't know where my pants are," and it didn't involve a sexual encounter.

9.  AB was inebriated before Hood to Coast.

10.  AB crushed Hood to Coast.

12.  In the company of the same man--on the same day--AB worked out; got smoothies; went to the Humane Society; made salsa, fish tacos and sangria; cleaned the pool shirtless; took a nap on the couch; and is happily straight.

13.  AB once called out his high school teammates on a high school baseball message board.

14.  AB spends every new years with a man who makes a living selling bugs.

15.  AB is desperately searching for a platonic male relationship in San Francisco.

16.  Shaun White once offered to pee on AB.

17.  AB knows "a Carroll."

18.  AB is a ferociously enthusiastic Karaoke singer.

19.  AB ran home in his boxers one time.

20.  AB played tennis for a year in high school because he was scared of the baseball coach.

21.  AB once arose at 3:15 in the morning, got fully dressed, put on sunscreen and then discovered the clock was wrong.

22.  AB deals in umbilical cords.

23.  AB owned a stick shift car before he knew how to drive stick.

24.  AB always has girl problems even when he doesn't.

25.  AB is a 6'4" blond hair, blue eyed Jewish male.

26.  AB is a cool dude.

If I Were Mike Stoops.... (Oregon State Edition)

Tell you what, the Kool Aid tasted pretty good didn't it?  Ninth in the country, second best defense in FBS, ESPN filmin', Sports Illustrated writin', all of it.  Hell, the number nine national ranking.  The Kool Aid tasted great.


And I'm guilty.  I'm guilty of letting us all sip from that fat boy's jug.  Two weeks to prepare for a struggling offense and we let them march to the drum of 486 yards and 10/15 third down conversions.  That's not what the ninth best team in the country does.  That's not what championship teams do.


I'm going to wear this one boys.  I'm going to tell you that I let you down.  The staff and myself are going to wear this one and we're going to be the hardest working staff in football because that's what we're here to do and that's what you deserve.  Will you return that favor?


We recognize that we've got a special group here that can do special things.


We got punched in the mouth.  Yes, the proverbial punch in the mouth has left us a little shell shocked.  What now?  Welp, let's see what kinda character we've got.  Let's see what it means to us to have A-R-I-Z-O-N-A across our chest - or visor.

No one ever said it was going to be easy.  We're still going to play good football teams in tough places.  And we're going to have to stop people on third and louder-than-hell and we're going to have to score when the clock reads "impossible."


So let's get back to work, gentlemen, cause I'll be damned if a beaver's gonna ruin my season.

The Monday Roast: Inappropriate Playing Surface Rushing

1. Yay!  We beat the team we were supposed to beat.  Boom, roasted.
• Ranked ASU and Stanford storm court/field as the only ranked team playing that day.
2. ESPN's here.  Quick, let's be that school.  Boom, roasted.
3. We're up by one touchdown with the other team in scoring position--let's rush the field.  Wait, did we just lose?  Boom, roasted.
• HOMER Fail 
4. Can you name another situation when you would publicly admit you expected to fail when everyone else expected you to succeed?  Boom, roasted.
5.  Let's go band!  We did it!  We won the gam...  Boom, roasted.

It's AB's Turn to Age

I will be celebrating my annual aging event with a karaoke party and I need some help.  As a Jewish male I am inherently a non-decision maker (see: Woody Allen films) and need the guidance of a trusted source.

That's where you come in.  Help me decide how to serenade the karaoke crowd.  Below are 5 options to be voted upon, the vote ticker is on the upper right corner of this page.  Vote and the winning song will be sung on Friday, October 15, at Festa Karaoke bar in Japantown, SF, CA, USA by me.  Maybe someone will record it and we'll post it here the following week.

The options:

1. "Love Story" by Taylor Swift
• A romantic classic, Swift captures the attention of love birds and tweens alike.  Her very real and impassioned lyrics (Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone/ I keep waiting for you but you never come) will have you crying, smiling, laughing, and crying again all in the course of a single song.  Ballad-ed by a gangly 6'5" guy will only heighten this emotional event.
2. "I Belive in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness
• High notes, Sea World clapping, and an eighties vibe: why wouldn't this song be an option?  This power ballad is always an audience favorite as it involves them.  Call and response is a guarantee for karaoke success and a surefire way to bring down the Japanese house.  
3. "Escape (Escapar)" by Enrique Iglesias
• A song that can only be sung from a place of pure love, Enrique captures the essence of what Mark Zuckerberg was going for with The Book: You can run you can hide but you can't escape my love.  Combined with expert interpretive dance, this is a song fit for a white guy to bring out his inner latino.
4. "Mack the Knife" by Bobby Darin
• A classic song that builds to a stunning crescendo likely to keep Japantown reeling for weeks.  Epitomizing cool and oozing with suave, this is for the performer's performer.  Bobby Darin would be proud to be on this list but never let you know it.
5. Other
• This is to be selected by you, the voter.  Submit your "Song's to Be Sung by Adam" in the comments below and, should your selection pick up enough steam, your song could be sung on Friday, 10/15 at the karaoke bar.

America's Pastime Shines in Autumn

America has it's flaws.  We have a makeshift economy, divisive political lines, crumbling health, and failing education.  We buy things we can't afford and eat things we don't need.  America is great, but it ain't perfect.

Our pastime, baseball, sure ain't perfect either.  There's steroids and too many games and a diluted talent pool.  Baseball just isn't as compelling as it once was.

But then the leaves change and the air grows crisp.  We widdle the league down to eight teams and four weeks.  October baseball is where fifth starters become legends and Mendoza hitting shortstops create stories we'll tell our grandchildren.

I could sit here and try my best to write something dripping with beauty and romanticism to try and capture the magnitude and excitement of playoff baseball, but I couldn't do it justice.  Instead, I'll give you the best baseball prose I have ever read.  It was written by Jeff MacGregor.  Enjoy.

Here's the link: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/commentary/news/story?page=macgregor/100712

The Monday Roast: Cyclists' Excuses

1.  You sleep in a hyperbaric chamber and train in a wind tunnel but you "accidentally ingested an illegal substance?"  Boom, roasted.

2.  Everyone assumes you're on drugs anyway, so quit wasting our time.  Boom, roasted.

3.  Now you all will be synonymous with Floyd "The creepiest effing excuse maker ever" Landis.  Boom, roasted.

4.  Unless there is a one-nut American battling back from cancer and backed by a ubiquitous Nike marketing campaign, you're irrelevant.  Boom, roasted.

5.  There's more money in baseball and the powers-that-be care far less.  Boom, roasted.