Sunday, February 6, 2011

Not Even 'Terrible Towel' Can Clean up Big Ben

FORT WORTH, Texas -- Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers, was arrested late last night after he was discovered in the bathroom of a local night club masturbating.  

Aleksy Pierogi, a long time Steelers fan was with friends last night at Fort Worth's "Hard Times," one of over 2.6 million "Steeler Bars" in the United States.  It was just an ordinary night until Pierogi excused himself to use the restroom a little after midnight. 

Pierogi walked into the bathroom where he said he found the Steelers' quarterback "masturbating with a 'Terrible Towel.'"  Fortunately for the Steeler Nation, Pierogi acted quickly.

"I acted on instinct," Pierogi said, "I immediately  snatched the 'Terrible Towel' away from that pervert (Roethlisburger)--not going to let some S.O.B. desecrate a sacred Steeler symbol."  Laughing, Pierogi added, "I don't know why yinz call him 'Big Ben.'"

After discovering Roethlisburger Pierogi told Petey Fonduluci, the manager of Hard Times, what he had seen.  Fonduluci immediately phoned the Fort Worth Sheriff's Department.  Sheriff Tex Daniels, and several officers, arrived shortly afterward and apprehended Roethlisburger in the bathroom.

The Sheriff's office issued the following statement:
"The perpetrator was discovered in the bathroom of a local night club with his pants off around 1 a.m. local time.  He was promptly arrested and taken to the Sheriff's department where he is currently being held."
Roethlisburger was unavailable for comment but issued a statement through his lawyer, Dusty Labia:
"Ben has committed no crime.  He believed the door was locked.  When Mr. Pierogi entered the bathroom, Ben was only freshening himself up for a date, who was supposed to have arrived at the bathroom at 12:15 a.m." 
Apparently the standard is the standard.

The Steelers' organization issued the following statement:  "We support our quarterback, but at the current time we are deeply troubled that a Terrible Towel was involved."


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