Monday, November 1, 2010

The Monday Roast: 3D Movies

1.  A third dimension has as good a chance of fixing a script as it does getting a Ben Affleck movie out of Boston.

2.  Everyone on their way to see Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, and Justin Bieber in 3D would have seen it in 2D.

3.  If three dimensions brings white people to crappy movies, maybe Tyler Perry ought to give it a try.

4.  Ten foot Alien humanoids flying on dragons may need a third dimension, but 30-40 year old men launching themselves across the screen in porta-potties do not (or maybe they do).

5.  3D Porn: now parents can look forward to catching their son with his pants off and goofy looking glasses on.

Boom, roasted.

In Tim McCarver's Words: Game Three

If home is where the heart is, it's actually where the run is.  There were four homeRUNS hit in game three.  Arlington has always been a homerun hitter's park, but this is it's first World Series.  Things did not change, for baseball's biggest stage.

If Texas Rangers pitcher Colby Lewis had a dog or family member named Todo, he would have to say, "Todo, we're not in Japan anymore."  That's because he's NOT in Japan anymore.  But just one year ago he was.  He now finds himself pitching in the World Series, the San Francisco Giants playing the role of Wicked Witch of the West, Lewis is just like Dorothy, leaving Japan.

And Saturday night's Dorothy did not get swept away in the tornado that is the World Series.  He threw the ball very, very well.  Colby slayed the Giants.

San Francisco starter, Jonathan Sanchez, pitched better than he did in his last outing - game 6 of the NLCS - but it appears his small hands are catching up to him.  You see, Sanchez has small hands and it makes it difficult for him to throw his slider effectively.  Hand size is imperative to breaking ball ability.  If we were taking the PSAT, that is the Pitching Sanchez Accuracy Test, one question could be

Hands : Breaking Balls :: Breasts : ___?_____

The answer, obviously, is Chicken Sandwiches.  Bigger hands, better breaking ball.  Bigger chicken breast, better chicken sandwich.

Also obvious: Mitch Moreland and Josh Hamilton have no regard for Sanchez's slider slingers.  If you've never heard the term "slider slingers" it's ok.  It's a baseball term people use to reference hand size and the subsequent ability to throw a breaking pitch.. 

But back at home, the Rangers showed they meant business, and that they too can win baseball games, as they proved 90 times during the regular season.  And three time against the Rays and four times against the Yankees.

Friday, October 29, 2010

In Tim McCarver's Words: Game Two

The biblical tale of Cain and Abel held true Thursday night in San Francisco as Matt Cain was able.  Very able.  That is, able to get the Texas Rangers out.  One man who won't soon become a member of the Church of Cain, Josh Hamilton, used the bible to overcome substance abuse.

The early theme Thursday was zeroes.  As in no runs scored.  Cain and Rangers starter CJ Wilson were up to the challenge of world series pressure.  Like rice-a-roni, Thursday was a San Francisco treat.

The game nearly saw its first run when Ian Kinsler hit an 0-2 fastball deep to centerfield.  Tracking the ball far over his head, I was reminded of the Say Hey Kid, but it was Andres Torres, not Willie Mays.  Kinsler's ball hit the top of the fence and came back into the field!  A let.  As in, a tennis serve that strikes the top of the net.  Kinsler was playing doubles.  As in, his homerun turned into a double.

If baseball is a game of consistency, then the Rangers are indeed consistent but for the wrong reasons.  For the second straight night, the Rangers gave up a big inning, allowing the Giants to score a giant amount of runs in the eighth inning.  Baseball is a numbers game, and the Giants scored seven runs, in the eighth inning, for nine total runs.  Seven plus eight plus nine equals a Giants win.

There's an old baseball adage: the team that wins....scores more runs....than their opponent....who scored fewer runs....but they tried hard.  Indeed the Giants have the keys to success.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

In Tim McCarver's Words: Game One

Due to Tim McCarver's unique ability to unintelligibly deliver useless information about baseball he was hired by Fox as a sportscaster in 1996 to cover marquee baseball games, the playoffs and the World Series.  In a tribute to Tim's ability, the Homers will be recapping each game of the 2010 World Series in Tim McCarver's words. 



The game began with Elvis.  The reason I say that is because Elvis was the lead off batter for the Texas Rangers.  The Rangers were the visiting team so they bat first.  Interestingly, this was the first Elvis to ever play in the World Series, but it wasn't Elvis Aaron, it was Elvis Agosto, not from Tupelo but from Maracay--Venezuela.  The game ended with Brian Wilson, but it wasn't a beach boy it was a pirate with a gnarled, intimidating black beard.

The game figured to be a classic pitching duel between Cliff Lee and Tim Lincecum.  The reason I say that is because Cliff Lee is a very, very good pitcher who chews up bats with his slider--like Mariano Rivera, one of the great bat breakers in the history of the game.  Also, Tim Lincecum is also a very, very good pitcher who is known for his unusual, uncomfortable looking pitching style.  Though he is known for his fastball, he also has a great change up, though change ups are much better for Lincecum when they go down.  So you can see why most people would have thought this was going to be a low scoring game dominated by pitching.

However, it was not.  This game was more about hitting and very alert at bats.  The Giants offense exploded for 11 runs--7 of them coming off the previously undefeatable Cliff Lee.  Freddy Sanchez led the way with 4 hits and 3 doubles, which interestingly, was exactly 3 times as many doubles as Cliff Lee had in the game.  I was reminded of the great Puerto Rican, Roberto Clemente.  The reason I say that is because Roberto Clemente wore the number 21 and so does Freddy Sanchez.  But unlike Roberto Clemente, Freddy Sanchez's number is retired at Burbank High School.  If you ask Freddy, which I have, he is very proud of that because of all the movie stars that went to Burbank High.

If you asked the Rangers if they thought seven runs would be enough to get a victory behind Cliff Lee, I think they probably would have said yes.  But tonight they needed more great ABs by Josh, the great power hitter from Texas who has a 10 point buck mounted over his locker. Or maybe the Rangers needed more big hits by Vladimir, whose very long, strong arms allow him to be one of the great bad ball contact hitters of all time.  
In the end, the Giants prevailed because they scored more runs than the Rangers.  Luckily for the Rangers the World Series is not about cumulative runs and they will have a clean slate tonight when they face Matt Cain--the big boy from Alabama with the rocket arm and dancing slider.    

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Hijacked by the Economy



I think everyone can agree on is this: the most common word in usage during the past year is "economy."  Try to recount a conversation you had that didn't begin, end or get interrupted by "economy"?  Economy is always there, like that sensitive friend you need to coddle along so she won't get upset and ruin the night for everyone else; no matter what you do, it's always about her.

Now Economy has completely hijacked the government and the entire political discourse, and she's holding us all hostage until we deal with her needs.  To be fair, Economy does have some needs that need dealing, but that doesn't mean we need to set aside all our ideals, plans or legislation until Economy is happy.

Nowhere is the economy's hijacking more evident than in the text of California's Proposition 23.  Prop 23 goes by the name: "California Job's Initiative."  The goal of the California's Job Initiative is to suspend Assembly Bill 32, known as California's Global Warming Solutions Act of 2006.  Basically, AB 32 requires California to lower its overall greenhouse gas emissions to 1990 levels by the year 2020.   So, you ask, why would a jobs initiative attack a global warming solution act?

As the argument goes, when the bill was passed times were better and unemployment was down, so we could afford the luxury of addressing global warming and air pollution.  Now times are tough and unemployment is up so we can no longer afford that luxury.  Therefore, we need to suspend AB 32 until unemployment goes back down and we can afford the luxury again.

Any debate about jobs versus clean air aside, Prop 23 is a sad, deceptive attempt by oil companies to use the down economy to serve their own interest.  Prop 23 is primarily funded by Valero and Tesoro Texas oil companies which each have large refineries in California (Charles Koch has also chipped in some scratch).  Obviously California's ambitious clean air legislation affects oil companies' bottom line and they have a monetary interest in suspending it.  However, they're deceptively hijacking the down economy to promote their monetary interests.

No one should be inundated with messages that ask them whether they value clean air or jobs more because the two issues are not mutually exclusive.  To begin, that proposition relies on the assumption that strong clean air legislation does not create growth in emerging clean technologies and more jobs in the long term.  Moreover, the proposition assumes that money saved from ease of air pollution would be reinvested in more California jobs.  Either way the tactics behind Prop 23's promotion illustrate a tiresome message as we head into midterm elections:

Every issue not named economy must go to the back of the line, and any action not directly creating jobs necessarily takes them away.

I'm not about to say the economy does not need fixing.  In fact the economy demands fixing, and I think it demands government action.  However, instead of providing constructive solutions or ideas; people, groups, corporations, and government officials prey on fears about the economy to promote their own interests.  As a result, any prudent idea, plan, or legislation is easily hijacked and held hostage by accusations that it is bad for the economy.

After all, you can't have clean air without killing jobs too... right?

For more information on Prop 23 you might follow some of these links:

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Monday Roast: Mara Frisch

  1. You may love Challah, but you were never Hala.
  2. LULU: 44.21  UA: 47.25  NKE: 82.31
  3. What percentage of your clientele go home and realize, "Wait, I probably shouldn't own form fitting pants?"
  4. And your peer group.
  5. No matter how hard you try, you're going to be a Jewish mother.
Boom, roasted.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Giant Fight Finally Broke Out

For half of a season I've been observing the San Francisco Giants.  A team built around pitching and little else, I could not bring myself to become a fan.

I watched games in which their right fielder missed the cut-off man.  Three times.  I watched their self-serving closer with his ridiculous beard and moronic quotes somehow get the job done but never without some angst.  Seriously, who throws a 3-0 slider with a lead in the 9th?  I watched as the Panda went AB after AB without having a clue: he's hitting lefty with a runner on second and nobody out, watches a fastball in for a strike, waves at a breaking ball, then pops up.  Have a clue.  I watched as Andres Torres, the team's leadoff hitter, take the sombrero (4 strikeouts) ALL on fastballs out of the strike zone.  And by ALL I mean he swung and missed at eight (5 consecutive) fastballs up and out of the zone.  The same damn pitch.

For a team needing to scratch and claw for every run, they sure seemed content playing station-to-station and waiting for the three run homerun that no one could hit.  They relied on pitching and then the pitching relied on itself and in August, that just didn't work.

Giants baseball just wasn't a good watch.

Then the playoffs happened and the sexiest thing for a baseball fan in the playoffs is big time pitching performances.  How does opening the playoffs with 29 IP, 3 ER, 5 BB, 36 K out of your starting staff sound?  Sexy.  But I still wasn't a fan.

I became a fan - not just an observer but a fist pumping, jump-up-and-down-alone-in-your-living-room fan - when Pat Burrell, the now one-tool talent (power), went first to third on a flare down the left field line off the bat of uber-enfuego Cody Ross.  Standard Torture (the name given to the Giants' offense by the local paper) would call for Burrell to pull up at second.  Station-to-station.  Not that night.  Off the bat he was going to third.

Had I really just seen the Giants work to improve their own chance to score?  Indeed I had.  I was impressed and on board.

I'm not a Giants hater but I do need for my team to give the impression that they are gonna fight and when they punched back at the Phillies Wednesday night I saw something I hadn't seen before.  I saw a team not trying to belong but a team trying to win. 

The Giants followed with a double from struggling third baseman, Panda McChubby, and it was clear to me that this team had arrived. 

I don't necessarily need a winner but I need to see a fighter and, for the first and most important time this season, the Giants are fighting.