The Monday Roast: Slow Walkers

1.  An airport is not the place for a leisurely promenade.

2.  Left lane is for passing.

3.  Most people pick a destination before they leave.

4.  If you're going to stand idly on the sidewalk then make yourself useful and juggle.

5.  For such an efficient culture, a group of Asian tourists on a sidewalk is THE model of inefficiency.

Boom, roasted.

The Monday Roast: Holiday Season

1.  Happy Holidays?  Get real, it's Chirstmas time.

2.  You can spin your dreidel all you want but you know everyone wants to deck the halls.

3.  You want a lamp that never burns out; or a jolly old man, who climbs down your chimney at night and fills your socks with candy?  I like lamp.

4.  I'm dreaming of my radio station coming back, not a white $%@! Christmas.

5.  After age 16 it's an order form, not a wish list.

Boom, roasted.

BYUtv: The ULTIMATE Homer

I remember sitting in McKale Center last year.  I was home for the holidays and was excited to go see Sean Miller's new team test their sea legs against BYU.  I hadn't heard much about Jimmer Fredette yet, but I speculated that a white guy from BYU, with a name like Jimmer, probably meant trouble.  I was right, it meant big trouble.

As I watched the game unfold I wallowed in emotions that ranged from dissappointment, to shock, to horror to amazement.  Ol' Jimmer proceeded to hit every shot he took: fade aways, 15 footers, 45 footers, underhand, overhand, eyes closed--whatever he was puttin' up was going in.  I half expected the PA announcer to do his best NBA Jam impersonation and scream, "HE'S ON FIRE!"

Yup, Jimmer was trouble.  I could only shake my head as I left McKale Center awfully early for a Wildcat loss.  As it turns out, Jimmer scored more points than anyone had ever scored in McKale center.  Ouch.  What could possibly be worse than watching Jimmer Fredette and his Latter Day Saints methodically torch your childhood heroes to the tune of 99-66?

Excluding Jay Williams fouling out of the 2001 National Championship game--8 times--I could not imagine what could be worse than the Prophet Jimmer Fredette breaking the scoring records of every Wildcat to play in McKale, en route to 49 points, and a drubbing of my favorite team.  Unfortunately, I had to wait just less than a year to find out...

The answer came to me as clearly as though written on golden plates.  You see, on a Saturday afternoon I treated myself to a broadcast of Jimmer dropping 33 points on Arizona, and blowing Arizona out of the water again. This might sound better than Jimmer detonating a 49 point explosion in Tucson, but this time the game was in Salt Lake City; and the game was on BYUtv.  Maroni have mercy!

At first blush this might seem like no big deal.  After all, any sports fan has watched regional broadcasts of his or her favorite team away from home.  In fact, many sports fans appreciate a couple of homers calling a game--seriously, watch a Blazers game sometime.  But BYUtv takes it to another level.

First off, the backdrop for the entire game was Jimmer's performance last year in Tucson.  After he scored the first seven points for BYU the love fest was on!  Commentators speculated about his point total for the afternoon; fans held up signs with Jimmer's points tallied for the day; and the Wildcats rolled over and played the dutiful roll of the Washington Generals--again.  However, this was all on the court, and this was all before halftime.

The broadcast at half time blessed spectators with two feature pieces: a heart felt tale of Jimmer returning to his home town in Glens Falls NY to play a game against Vermont.  That tear jerker was quickly followed by a recap of Jimmer's record setting performance last year in Tucson.  BARF!  Although nauseating, I must concede that this sort of treatment is no different than watching Klay Thompson on a Wazzu telecast, or watching Kyle Singler on an ESPN, CBS, ABC, NBC, QVC or Al Jazeera telecast.

The torture that is watching your team get blown out by BYU on BYUtv is that BYU never stops flickering across the screen.  Every damned commercial is for BYU.  Each commercial break you are treated to a montage of BYU Football history.  This might be followed by the promotion of "TrueBlue," which is essentially a Sportscenter for BYU athletics.  And obviously a testimony as to the greatness of BYU as an institution is a nice bookend to every commercial.  But it didn't stop there.

Nestled in between the BYU-sports-circle-jerk were advertisements for BYUtv original programming, which are billed to "help you see the good in the world."  I can tell you, I can't wait to watch "A Christmas Angel," which is a heartwarming tale of a nonbeliever finding the Christmas spirit of giving, and falling in love.  Or better yet, I want to catch an episode of "Wind at My Back," which is Little House on the Prairie bonnets squared + the great depression + the bible.  And boy am I clamoring to see the next installment of "The Generations Project," where Judge Boyd Mossman will trace his genealogy back to Hawaii where his ancestors Issac Davis and John Young married Hawaiian women.

Ugh.

I suppose, even if you've read this far, you you might chalk this rant up to only the mutterings of an angry fan. But let me make this more clear to anyone not yet exposed to BYUtv: watching your team on BYUtv is like watching your team take on Duke while Dick Vitale calls the game, sits in the stands, does the interviews, and the commercials.  Then again, I suppose that is just what ESPN is. 

Good riddance Jimmer!

The Monday Roast: Standard Sized Stalls

1. If I wanted to be more uncomfortable, I'd have gone to a port-a-john.  Or a 747.
2. Yup, obtaining TP with my knee is the most efficient way.
3. You could probably put the toilet bowl a little lower, ya know, so I could get an even deeper squat.  Better workout.
4. The exact place I'd like to become aware of my flexible deficiencies.
5. Larry David, ladies and gentlemen.

Boom, roasted.

McCarver 'Caps: MNF Jets-Patriots

A recap of the Monday Night Football game between the Jets and the Patriots, in the words of Tim McCarver...  

Although one player resembled Broadway Joe last night, he was not playing for the Jets.  For those of you that don't know, Joe Namath had the nickname Broadway Joe, and played for AFL New York Jets.  He also had long hair, and if you looked carefully last night, you would see that Tom Brady had long hair as well.  However, Brady plays for the Patriots, so obviously he cannot play for the Jets, but with the Jets on the field and with Brady's long hair, I was reminded of Broadway Joe

The reason I make that comparison is because Broadway Joe was a great football player with long hair who played in cold climates, just like Brady.  If you ask any great cold climate quarterback the secret to their success, which I have, they will tell you that keeping your hands warm is the key.  But what you may not know is that blowing on your hands help to keep your hands warm in cold climates.  Now, if you watch Brady closely, you can see that he consistently blows on his hands like other great cold climate quarterbacks.  Obviously, the reason he does this is to keep his hands warm.

As I watched the game last night I noticed that Brady blew on his hands an average of 3.6 times per play.  Interestingly, Mark SanCHEZ--the quarterback for the New York Jets--only blew on his hands an average of 2.7 times per play.  Not surprisingly, Brady was able to make four touchdown passes while SanCHEZ didn't manage any.

After the game I asked Brady whether blowing on his hands made a difference in his play--he said he wasn't sure.  But if you look carefully at the stats, which I have, you can tell that the quarterback who blew on his hands more had greater success in the cold weather last night.    I can't be sure if this is significant, but it is obviously no coincidence. The reason I can be certain this is no coincidence is because when you compare all the great quarterbacks' ratio of hand blows to plays, adjusted for average temperature on their home field, they average 3.57 which is nearly the same as Tom Brady's average of 3.6.  

When I asked Rex Ryan whether he thought his quarterback should blow on his hands more, he told me that I should blow him.  I don't think he understood what I was saying, then again his team scored three points, and Tom Brady's team scored 45, so maybe he should blow me.

The Character of the Characters

They often say that sports build character and they often say that sports reveals character.

The funny thing is that sports is full of characters.  Chalk full of imbeciles, ignoramuses, and assholes; people who ultimately just don't get it.  Bad things are never their fault, gotta get theirs, pass the buck, point the finger.  It's vile from little league to Lambeau. 

That's why my new favorite coach is Chris Petersen, the fearless leader of the blue machine from Boise.

When his senior--Groza Award semi-finalist, all-time-scoring-leader-in-school-history, hometown hero--Kyle Brotzman missed not one, but two multi-million dollar, BCS clinching, sub-30-yard, game-winning field goals, Petersen said there was plenty of blame to go around, himself included.

But that's not why he's my favorite.

What catapulted Petersen atop my favorite leaders list was the reaction of his team.

Kellen Moore, the team leader, pro-prospect, Heisman candidate, All-American quarterback said, "We love him to death, he's one of our boys, he's part of this family."  Didn't he realize they just lost whatever hope they had to play for a National Championship?  Didn't matter.  He stood in front of the cameras and had his boy's back. 

While there was big money on the line and championships at stake, Petersen kept perspective around his team.  He reminded them that no one Bronco was bigger - or smaller - than any other Bronco.  Perhaps that is all character is?  A little perspective and a lot of respect. 

Ultimately, mistakes and successes have very little to do with character.  Character isn't built in the mano-a-mano moments.  It's built in the hours upon hours when there are no cameras or reporters.  It's built at 5am weights, two-a-days, and extra batting practice.  Hell, it's built at study hall.  It's built when you fail and pick yourself back up again and when you win and keep the axe to the grindstone.

The mano-a-mano moment is just that, a moment.  What did you do before and - far more importantly - what did you do after?  That's character revealed.

So when Brotzman missed, and then again, Petersen didn't scream "what went wrong?" and Brotzman didn't throw his helmet and sprint off the field.  Petersen didn't later tell the media he should have stuck with his gut and gone for two.

And in those moments we learned exactly why the Boise State Broncos are successful.  That's character revealed.

That night, Chris Petersen and the Boise State Broncos lost to the University of Nevada Wolfpack in a Western Athletic Conference football game.  They gained a whole lot more.

The Monday Roast: Arizona State University

1. Bowl fail.
2. Hoops fail.
3. General fail.
4. Overworked fail.
5. (see below)
   

Boom, roasted.