The Wildcats Take Nerdville and Harbaugh Needs a Drink: I'll be there

Whatcha doin' Saturday?  Fun plans?  Exciting plans?  Big plans?

Because if it doesn't involve telling an underwhelming turnout of super nerds, trust fund babies, legacy admits, tech geeks, fans of an elitist coloure, goofy-ass-tree, this guy, and a team whose I-A opponents are a combined 24-32; that their football program is indeed a fluke; and stepping stone for their diarrhea-of-the-mouth leader--Jimmy Harbaugh--then I think my weekend has yours beat.

That's what I'll be doing.

I'll also remind them that they are the Ivy League's bastard reject and that it's called "The Farm" because it was indeed a farm and that the most famous athletic achievement is a band member getting tumbled by a Cal Bear and that Toby Gerhart is now receiving elicit texts from Brett Favre.

That's what I'll be doing.

It'd also be worth mentioning that Arizona leads 12-9 all-time and re-mentioning that the tree looks like the aptly-diagnosed-with-ADD love child of cookie monster and the lady who can pop her eyes out and that said love child didn't get his nap or his meds today. 

Look,  I don't hold that much animosity towards Stanford, probably really nice people, but let's get real: there's big stuff on the line, I'm heading into their "Farm," and I will be wearing my red shirt with a big fat "A" on it.  I'll have my visor on head and "Bear Down" on my lips (along with Bud Lite and an early bloody mary).


That's what I'll be doing.  Will you join me?

If I Were Mike Stoops....

This is what I'd say at Thursday's practice:


Bring it in fellas.  Bring it in tight.  I want you to hear this.

Congratulations on beating the Iowa Hawkeyes.  That was a top-10 team coming off a BCS Bowl game season with a staunch defense and a helluva running game.  They racked up 29 rushing yards on you gentlemen.  Be proud of yourselves. 

And that was an impressive sequence of offense and defense to close that game out.  I called it a "program drive" to win the ballgame.  You know what that means?  It means we know we're winners now.  We couldn't do that against Cal or Oregon last year.  We know we can today.

I know that we can throw a game tying pick six and block the extra point.  I know that we can come out, crowd rambunctious, cameras rolling, and put the #9 team in the country in a 14-0 hole.  I know that we can muff punts and drop passes, but still secure the game winner a play later.  And I know, with the game on the line, we can get to the quarterback...three.  straight.  times.

I also know that the game's over.  And that we did get picked late, and muffed punts, and dropped passes.  I know that we were penalized twelve times for 103 yards.  That's not OK.

And you know who doesn't give two shits about you beating Iowa?  The California Bears.

Hell they just lost to Nevada.  Ya think they're a little pissed off?  I know they're a lot pissed off and they want to beat you.  We are the hunted now gentlemen.  The talking heads of ESPN and all the rest don't want to stop talking about the little program that could out of Tucson, Arizona.  

Well do you want to be yesterday's news or do you want to win?  Do you want to go to the Hyundai Sun bowl?  How about the Valero Alamo Bowl?

I don't know about you, but I'm not much for Korean cars or gasoline companies.

Call me sissy or whatever you will, but I like Roses gentlemen.  Big, red, Pasadena Roses.

Now let's get to work.